Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
that is very illegal...i love you.
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