Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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