i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hello my rib-scented angel!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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