So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
