RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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