You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
