I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
