i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
