like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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