I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
