and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
