I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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