life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
