I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
