Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
