So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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