he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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