I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
