How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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