Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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