if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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