i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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