i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
