he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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