Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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