he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
