He disabled his match.com account in front of me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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