Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
