I haven't been this sober since birth.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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