Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
