Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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