You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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