Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
