Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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