last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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