one two three fourrrrnication!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
