You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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