i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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