i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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