I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
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