never play flip cup with pint glasses
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
