After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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