Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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