Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
