Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I looked at my own cervix.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
