How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
