I think I won the penis lottery.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
