Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
