Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
