my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
