she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
