So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
