We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
