TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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