She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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