Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
