i would punch a child for taco bell
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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