toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
